SHIMMER: an all-female Pro-Wrestling promotion debuted on IPPV today, as part of the Wrestlecon event in New Jersey. I’ve been closely following the promotion since 2008, and as it has primarily ran its shows in the Chicago area, I’ve never got the chance to see it live (although it’s definitively a life goal to attend a weekend of tapings some day). Usually - and as I will be doing next weekend when they film their next set of tapings - I spend the weekend at home on the computer furiously refreshing the page for the latest match results and scour Twitter for people’s reactions and thoughts and such. By the time the DVDs come out, I’ve already read multiple match results and live reports and seen every picture that people have taken of the event, so much so that I have a rather substantial knowledge of the card and of the show before I eventually see it. It’s a little obsessive, sure, but it’s only two weekends a year so I’ll gladly continue to do it. However, as this was shown on IPPV, I was able to see it live from the relative comfort of my own home, even if I was somewhat distracted by three rather crazy dogs. I’m still on an after-show high so I thought I’d share some thoughts.
Firstly, I must say that it’s incredibly refreshing to finish watching an IPPV and it not being the early hours of the morning. Living in the UK, whenever I’ve watched the ROH or Chikara IPPVs in the past I’ve always had to stay up well into the early hours of the morning and my mind is restless after these shows so sleep is never an option. However, as bell time was at 12 in New Jersey, that meant that the show started at 5 here. Perfect. So let’s get into the show.
It is worth noting that at over 700 fans present, and the worldwide audience of the IPPV, this was definitely the biggest show in SHIMMER history.
Mia Yim vs. Amazing Kong
- Good choice for the opener here. The “David vs. Goliath” story is a simple one, but an effective one, and Amazing Kong spent a lot of the match bullying Mia inside the ring. The crowd really got into towards the end of the match, once Mia started her comeback with a missile dropkick and a rather awesome German Suplex. Mia then switched to her high-flying arsenal, hitting Kong with a Quebrada and then going for her Sky Yim finisher (which is a Sky Twister Press) but missed it and moments later fell to Kong’s Amazing Bomb. Whilst I don’t think this was as good as Kong’s “Shimmer classics” against the likes of MsChif and Nikki Roxx back in the early years of the promotion, it certainly showed just how far Mia has come since debuting and I’m sure this performance will propel her further up the card. I’ll go out on a limb and say that this was probably the best Shimmer opener since Sara Del Rey vs. Serena on Volume 21. ***
- After the opener, Amber Gertner comes to the ring to interview the returning Serena Deeb. It was great to see Serena back in Shimmer and she looks absolutely fantastic. As Serena proceeded to get a crowd reaction like only she can, a woman was headed towards the ring and attacked Serena from behind. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that it was none other than Jessicka Havok. This was a big deal, and I shall tell you why. For years now, ever since Havok’s rise to stardom through her work at WSU, she has gained a rabid following and she was consistently at the top of everyone’s lists for the person they most wanted to see in Shimmer. Unfortunately, thanks in no small part to the dick who used to own WSU, and Havok’s own comments on a Ringbelles podcast, it didn’t seem likely that we would ever see her in a Shimmer ring. And a mere few days before this show, the Shimmer promoter Dave Prazak said in an interview whilst promoting the show spoke for I believe the first time about the situation and more or less said that you shouldn’t expect to see her any time soon. BAM. Complete awesomeness. Anyway, Havok brought Sassy Stephie and a returning Nevaeh along with her to help with the beat down on Serena before Re-X ran in and made the save. Allison Danger then challenged the trio to a tag match later on in the show. Danger is so good on the mic.
Cherry Bomb & Kimber Lee vs. Veda Scott & Shazza Mckenzie.
- I thought it was an odd choice to have Kimber Lee debut in a tag team considering that Cherry Bomb isn’t booked for next weekend’s tapings but oh well. Hopefully we’ll see them team together at future Shimmer shows as I did like them as a tag team. Now, whilst I do like Veda Scott. I really do. Her heel stuff at AIW is genius, and as a baby face in Shimmer she comes across as very likeable and someone who I would want to cheer for. Nevertheless, she’s still pretty green and has a long way to go as far as her wrestling is concerned. Shazza has more experience and it certainly shows, but I’m not a fan of their tag team. Truth be told, I can’t really remember a lot about this match, other than the fact that it was really short and Veda got the win with the Mind Trip, although the camera missed it. I do think Kimber Lee has a bright future ahead of her though. **
- Portia Perez joined Dave Prazak on commentary for the first two matches before leaving to prepare for her tag title match later on in the show and being replaced by Amber Gertner. Although only on for two matches, she was as entertaining as ever.
Christina Von Eerie vs. Kalamity vs. Rhia O’Reilly vs. Evie vs. Yuu Yamagata.
- A five way: is that a thing? You don’t see them too frequently anyway. This one saw another two debuts, the first being New Zealand’s Evie, who most of us first saw on the PWWA show in 2011 with the Shimmer title match in an impressive outing against Kellie Skater. Watching Evie move in the ring, you can just tell that she’s naturally athletic, and is even more impressive when she’s kicking her opponent in the head or breaking up a pin attempt with a double stomp off the top. Ow. Although I was somewhat familiar with Evie, I literally had no idea about the other debutante in the match, Yuu Yamagata, the latest Joshi wrestler to make her way to Shimmer. She wasn’t really in the ring long enough for me to make see what she’s about, but from first glance she likes to kick you in the head, she has a nice stunner and is jacked as shit. I shall look forward to see what she brings to the table at the next set of tapings. O’Reilly and Kalamity both got their moments to shine in the match as well, but it was Chrsitina Von Eeries, sans Mohawk who claimed victory after delivering a Straightjacket Lungblower to, I think, O’Reilly. Christina seems to have a new finisher every time I see her wrestle; Pedigree; 138; Graveyard Smash. Usually, I find multi-woman matches to be quite poor, as they tend to turn into a bit of a clusterfuck but I liked this one. It was a bit all over the place towards the end but everyone put in their best and it was a great showcase for these women. ***¼
Mercedes Martinez vs. Ayumi Kurihara
- Last month, Ayumi Kurihara held a press conference in Japan to announce her retirement from Pro-Wrestling in August this year. Luckily, Ayumi came back to America and to Shimmer one last time before she does so in a match against “The Latina Sensation” herself. This was awesome. Ayumi is such a great baby face; she never gives up and kicks out with everything she’s got. We got to see her deliver her devastating dropkicks to Mercedes, both from the top tope as well as the low one through the ropes. An awesome dive to the outside brought the crowd to their feet and she nearly got the pin with a vicious looking Uranage. Mercedes fought back back with an incredible delayed brain buster, as well as various spine buster variations. The finish came when Mercedes delivered a Saito Suplex followed by her Fisherman’s Bush to get the win. Ayumi got a massive ovation after the match, along with an “arigato” chant. Arigato, indeed Ayumi! You will be missed but at least you went out with this awesome performance. ***¾
Re-X (Allison Danger & Leva Bates) & Serena Deeb w/Daffney vs. Jessickah Havok, Nevaeh & Sassy Stephie w/Mademoiselle Rochelle.
- I forgot to mention earlier that Danger said that she had an answer to Mademoiselle Rochelle’s presence at ringside, which turned out to be Daffney! It was great to see Daffney back at Shimmer. Leva and Danger came out dressed as Jay and Silent Bob. Havok spent the majority of the match on the apron, not sure whether that has to do with her recent injury that prevented her from going to NCW: FF last week, but she certainly made her presence felt. Re-X had a great showing here, with Danger eliciting a huge reaction as a result of her running the ropes into a chin lock spot and Leva getting in her best offense like her doubble stomp to the back and the Shiranui before falling victim to a a beast of a choke slam from Havok. Ow. Nevaeh and Stephie played good heels and interacted well with Serena who didn’t miss a step in her wrestling whatsoever. Serena gains the victory for her team following the Spear on Nevaeh. ***¼
-Post match, Havok attacked Serena from behind again, delivering an awesome looking Sit-out Tombstone Piledriver (not sure if she has a name for it or not) with Prazak saying on commentary that it most certainly isn’t over between them…..
Madison Eagles vs. Jessie Mckay
- I am absolutely ecstatic to see Madison Eagles return to the ring. After injuring her knee at the end of 2011, the former Shimmer Champion was forced to take over a year out from wrestling in order to let it recover but at the start of this year, she mad her return at her home promotion PWA in Australia and has returned to Shimmer once again. For those of you who thought that Madison’s in-ring work would have suffered as a result of the injury you need not have worried as she’s still awesome. She’s also notably added a few things to her repertoire including that inverted curb stomp on the apron, as well as a buckle bomb which looked great. Take nothing away from Jessie McKay however, she’s grown and improved so much since she debuted in Shimmer, and in this match - the rematch to their Volume 35 title match - Jessie was no longer an underdog but more of Eagles’ equal. This was a worthy sequel to that match showcasing two of the best women to come out of Australia. The finish saw Eagles reverse Jessie Mckay’s reverse ‘rana attempt into her Hellbound finisher. Awesome stuff. ***¾
SHIMMER Tag Team Title 4 - Way Elimination Match
The Canadian Ninjas© vs. Made In Sin (Allysin Kay & Taylor Made) vs. LuFisto & Kana vs. 3.G (Kellie Skater & Tomoka Nakagawa).
- This was one of the best Shimmer Tag Team title matches of both the Ninjas’ reigns, although it may be remembered for the terrifying looking moonsault that LuFisto did to the floor. The crowd went dead silent after that as LuFisto just layed there facedown on the outside. Amazingly, she got up and delivered her Burning Hammer finisher to Taylor Made, eliminating Made In Sin First. She was then rolled up by Kellie Skater after Tomoka spat water into her face, but not before Tiger Suplexing Kellie’s head off! LuFisto is amazing. We learn later that LuFisto suffered a knee injury and was unable to compete at the show for which she was booked after Shimmer that same day, but it remains to be seen if she will be healthy ebough for the tapings next week. Hopefully, she’ll make a speedy recovery. After LuFisto’s team was elimated, it was down to 3.G and the Ninjas. The finish saw Skater prevent Tomoka from using her water bottle to win the match, wanting to win it fairly but Nicole Matthews stole the bottle and spat water in the face of Skater which allowed Portia to roll her up and retain the titles. Looking beyond the moonsault drama, this was a good match and everyone looked really good. Made In Sin continue to be a very strong heel tag team, despite their relative newness as a team and to wrestling in general. Kana was over huge with this crowd and got a huge crowd reaction after kicking someone full-pelt in the fact. 3.G are a very interesting tag team, with now a heel/baby face combination so I’m very interested to see where they go with this. The Ninjas looked as good as ever, but LuFisto had to be the MVP of this match. What a remarkable woman. ***1/2
Ayako Hamada vs. Athena
- Joshi legend Ayako Hamada had an outstanding match with Athena in the semi main event here. This was a rematch from their match at Volume 52 (which will be out on DVD soon) but I’d be willing to bet that this was better. Both women showed off some mat wrestling before picking up the pace with some lucha arm drags, much to the liking of the crowd. It wasn’t long before Hamada started to strike with her lethal palm strikes and array of kicks. It has to be said, Athena is a pretty underrated striker and the kicking exchanged between the two were brutal. Towards the end of the contest, Hamada dove deep into her arsenal to try and put Athena away, including a top rope rana which sent Athena FLYING half way across the ring, as well as a Straightjacket Power Bomb and a Moonsault to the outside, which after seeing LuFisto’s in the previous match had the fans in attendance, and around the world watching on IPPV no doubt, on the edge of their seats. None of this manoeuvres were able to put Athena away however. The resilient ’Wrestling Goddess’ fought back with a Springboard Tornado DDT, and then proceeded to land her awesome O-Face finish that got the 3 count! Major upset there for Athena; Hamada had only been pinned on three other occasions in Shimmer competition, by Sara Del Rey, Cheerleader Melissa and Madison Eagles, all of whom are former Shimmer Champions. There must be big things planned for Athena in the future. Two awesome wrestlers and one awesome match. ****
Shimmer Championship Steel Cage Match
‘Sweet’ Saraya Knight© vs. Cheerleader Melissa
- The backstory to this match made it possibly the most personal match in the company’s history. Years ago, Saraya was injured so badly in a match against Cheerleader Melissa that she almost had to have her leg amputated. Needless to say, Saraya was out of action indefinitely after that but vowed to get Melissa back for what she had done some day. In 2011, Saraya made her way to Shimmer and after Melissa won the title from Madison Eagles, Saraya began plotting to take her out. First, she paid the Ninjas to take her out and then bullied and intimidated Jessie Mckay into doing her dirty work for her. After none of these attempts were successful, Saraya took matters into her own hands and attacked Melissa post title match which led to a scheduled title match between the two. Before thee match, Saraya savagely attacked Melissa’s knee backstage, which led to Melissa being forced to tap out and lose her title after on only her fourth defence.
After Melissa pinned the champion in a tag match and thus earned herself a title shot, Saraya enlisted the help of the Ninjas as well as her student Rhia O’Reilly to ensure that Melissa did not win the match on Volume 52. Consequently, a Steel Cage match was signed for this show, leaving Melissa and Saraya to do battle one on one and put their differences to rest.
First of all, the cage was fucking massive. Like, I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger cage. But anyway, I was interested to see how this match would play out as although I haven’t seen the Volume 52 match, matches between the two tend to be ugly and violent with nothing too flashy. That’s exactly what we got here, only with the additional element of a cage around them which Melissa put to use by repeatedly kicking the champion’s head into it. Ow.
Unfortunately, the crowd was mostly silent throughout this match until the end where Melissa attempted to climb the cage only for Saraya to cut her off but attempting to Power Bomb her from way up that MASSIVE cage. But Melissa was ablt to turn the tables and reverse it into a SUPER RANA! The crowd could certainly be heard after that! Melissa followed it up with a Missile Dropkick and the Air Raid Crash to become the NEW SHIMMER CHAMPION! Melissa brought an end to Saraya’s reign of terror and became the first ever two-time Shimmer Champion in doing so. This was understandably quite a short match as the delay at the start of the show as well as putting up the actual cage lost them some time, and although the first half of the match was as rough and as “un-flashy” as their first encounter, the closing moments more than made up for it. ***½
Overall
- Even though this was the largest live audience for a Shimmer show ever, the crowd was inexplicably quiet a lot of the time, particularly during the first half of the main event which did negatively affect some of the matches, in my opinion. However, this was a good day for Shimmer as the promotion delivered several awesome matches, and none of the matches on the card were bad actually. I do think it takes than just match ratings to really make a great show, it’s also the special moments that will be remembered and this event had tons. From the long waited returns of Serena Deeb, Madison Eagles and Amazing Kong, to the poignant final Shimmer match of Ayumi Kurihara. From the jaw-dropping debut of Jessicka Havok, to that damn SUPER RANA from Melissa and the title change I’d been dying to see. Shimmer 53 will go down as one of the greatest Shimmer shows in company history, and I hope they made a ton of new fans as well.
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OMG your knees Moderate Doom Doom with a Smile
just exploded Doom
Saturday, 6 April 2013
Thursday, 24 January 2013
10 Additional Things I Hate About Life
Sup? So almost another year has passed since I’ve posted anything on here. Ooops. It wasn’t my intention for this to be an annual rant so I shall be writing on here more often (well, we’ll see). Maybe I would write more frequently if I didn’t use rage to fuel my posts so in the future, dare I say it, there may be a few things that rate a bit higher on my DoomScale, and are generally more positive. That’s growth.
However, that day is not today. This originally was going to be entitled: “10 Things I Love about Life” but unfortunately I could only think of 4.5 things which I loved, and “4.5 Things I Love About Life” just sounds ridiculous so here you go.
1. Football Players
- Apparently we are in the middle of ‘Football Season’ although, I have to ask, does it ever fucking end? Personally, the sport bores the shit out of me but my issue is more with the players themselves. I read somewhere that the top players get paid well over £100, 000 a week and for what? Playing one match and going to a couple of PE lessons a week? For them to be paid so much you would expect them to be highly skilled yet all they do is kick a ball into a giant net, and half the time they can’t even do that. Perhaps they would be more successful if they spent more time on their feet and less time lying on the floor clutching their leg. Seriously, on those few unfortunate occasions where I’ve seen a few minutes of a match, there’s always some player rolling around on the floor acting like someone just shot him in the leg when in reality, he just tripped over a little daisy on the pitch. Faggots.
2. Slugs
- What exactly is the point of a slug? Does anyone know? Do they exist solely to leave jizz trails down my garden path (by which I mean the actual path in my actual garden and not the hair on my stomach, ew)? And, this is disgusting, but at night, by the backdoor in the kitchen, slugs appear and lurk on the walls. How do they do that? Are they currently inside sleeping here in the day only to awake at night or do they ooze through the keyhole and reform as they get in? Either way, get the fuck out of my house, you slimy cat turds! At least snails have the decency to hide away in their shells. I say pour salt on the bastards and watch them fizzle.
3. The ‘Haircut’
- Whilst I’m not opposed to cutting my hair, it’s the experience which I loathe and have therefore determined that I will only go to get my hair cut if one or more of the following apply:
. My fringe has grown so long I’m inhaling it.
. My hair is so long I have to tuck it behind my ears in order to listen to my headphones.
. When it’s so long that I start to look like Dawn French.
So, after one or more of those things have occurred, I go to get the job done. Ignoring the occasional scissor to the ear, it is the hairdressers who really make it insufferable. Firstly, those lovely chatty women who are so busy asking questions and gossiping with their fellow hairdressers that they make sure I’m in there for as long as possible, cheers. But really, it’s the straight male hairdressers who provide most of the joy. Now, there may be a certain stereotype where the majority of male hairdressers appear to be gay and because of this, the straight male hairdressers feel the need to affirm their ‘straight-ness’. I remember one time I went, the male in question rejoiced in telling me where the best ‘pussy’ was in Swansea (for anyone who’s interested it’s apparently in Oceana on a Friday night but having been there on a Friday myself, I would have to disagree). There was also an anecdote about how this one time he was, I believe the word he used was, “shafting” this girl and she said his penis was so big she could feel it poking her bellybutton. Well isn’t that just beautiful. It’s enough to make me seriously consider cutting my own hair.
4. Cheryl Cole
- Cheryl Cole. The Nation’s sweetheart. All the women want to be her, all the men want her to shut the fuck up and bang her. Some people say that our Cheryl has it all but I can think of one thing which she doesn’t have: talent. Her music is shit, she can barely sing and who can even understand her when she’s speaking? So many people call her a ‘role model’ and why? Because her husband cheated on her and she went to Africa and didn’t die? Because she appears in about 34985734978 shampoo adverts flicking her hair? Put a wig on a broom and blow a fan at it and that broom could do her job and be fucking worth it. Ucch. Please go back to Newcastle and remain there.
5. Warm Drinks
- I am seemingly the only person in Britain who does not like tea, or coffee and I am still unsure about hot chocolate as I’m still trying to re-grow the 11 taste buds the last cup of it burned off. In my opinion, the function of a drink should be to either refresh you or get you drunk. Preferably both. I have no interest in being boiled alive from the inside from a drink which looks like a muddy puddle. And not to mention teabags. A used teabag is absolutely revolting. One time, I attempted to remove one from my sight and I accidentally split it open and its insides squashed together and oozed out of the gap onto my hand and looked rather similar to a turd. On such an occasion when you get shat on by a teabag, you realise that the dislike is mutual and I shall be sticking to my Cherry Coke, thank you.
6. Ice cubes
- Ahhhh the unavoidable ice cubes for even if you ask for no ice, you’ll either still get it or have half your drink mysteriously disappear. They say that ice is used to keep your drink cool but what it actually does is dilute your alcohol, take up 93% of your glass thus giving you like a drip of actual drink and if you don’t finish your drink within about 17 seconds, the ice will melt and further dilute it and leave you with a lovely watery mix at the bottom of your glass. Heavenly. What’s even more annoying are pitcher type drinks you can get or that massive bucket of drink you can get at the cinema - they are absolutely riddled with ice and literally leave you with hardly anything to drink and they are really expensive. If you were to ask for one without ice, they fill half as full. I once tried to get around this at the cinema with a wonderful server, in a conversation which went a little something like this:
Me: “Can I have a large Sprite with no ice please?”
The Enemy: “I should warn you, I’ll only be able to fill it about half way up if you don’t have ice in it.”
Me: “But I’m allergic to ice so could you fill it to the top please?”
The Enemy: “How can you be allergic to ice?”
Me: “I have been since I was a child.”
The Enemy: “So you’re allergic to water?”
Me: “No, just ice.”
The Enemy: “But ice is frozen water.”
Me: “ Yes, I know what ice is but I’m allergic to the chemical that is put in it if you buy ice.”
The Enemy: “What’s it called?”
Me: “It’s called, hydro…cardio…chlordium.”
The Enemy: “You just made that up.”
Me: “ Um, no I didn’t.”
The Enemy: “ Well I can assure you that there’s none of that in our ice.”
Me: “Can I just not have ice please?”
The Enemy goes and fills the drink half full and gives it back.
The Enemy: “That will be 12 million pounds and your gall bladder please.”
Uuuch!
7. Vagina
-Hah, I mean, the actual word ‘vagina’ and not the thing itself (although I’ll be honest, there are prettier things). Frankly, ‘vagina’ is an ugly word and it’s one of those words which has about 456987349 synonyms and yet unlike other such words, every one of those synonyms is also ugly. Allow me to name but a few until I’m too disgusted to type: minge; flange; clunge; growler; muff; soggy box; ham flap; beef curtains; greasy slice…… I think I’ll end it there. Ew. “Foof” is not a terrible word but you do run the risk of sounding like an eight year old girl if you use it. Case in point, there is no nice way to refer to it so general disgust will always happen. Just don’t refer to it as a pasty as I really like pasties.
8. Nicki Minaj
- Truth be told, I could write an entire blog about how much I dislike her but I shan’t waste too many words on her. Why do I dislike Nicki Minaj? She can’t sing, she can’t rap and she looks like an epilepsy-inducing Barbie skank who is about as classy as shitting in the street. And judging from the few interviews of hers which I have seen, she is so far up her GIANT fucking arse, she really thinks she’s something special to which I say PAH. Admittedly, rap isn’t exactly my thing, but after reading someone who’s passionate about it defend it and refer to it as ‘poetry to music’, I can appreciate that there is a certain art to it. However, the best rap artists are very talented lyricists so let’s have a look at some of Miss Minaj’s lyrics:
“I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie
You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye,”
Clever. And there is also this:
“You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)”
I’m not entirely certain but she may be subtlty implying that someone is stupid and a ‘hoe‘? Hmm. But here is my personal favourite:
“Hang it up, flat screen…..plasma.
Hey Nicki, hey Nicki,…..asthma”
I mean that’s just ingenious. As long as it rhymes, right?
9. Nuts
- As in, the food. I don’t mean salted pea nuts or the nut you find in the middle of a Ferrero Rocher, but like actual, taken straight from the mouth of a squirrel, nuts. Are these meant to be eaten? They look like they should be used with which to build something. But anyway, my experience with nuts first came in my youth (not a euphemism). I remember one camping trip, and by camping I mean getting drunk in a field at night, it was about four in the morning and I was starving so my friend said that he had some food in his tent. So we went there, and he retrieved some nuts from his bag. I remember he said “after a while they start to taste like chocolate”. I had four of them and not once did they begin to taste like chocolate. In fact, they tasted suspiciously like wet tree. So in future people, please keep your nuts to yourself as they most certainly do not taste anything like chocolate (again, not a euphemism).
10. People
- The root of all evil. I think I could blame this one on causing every other thing on this list (okay, maybe I can’t blame people for slugs). People ruin days and are so utterly infuriating, I have lost all hope for the future. Sometimes people push in front of you in queues, strand on you and then pretend they didn’t realise what they were doing. Sometimes when you need to print and give in your essay in 20 minutes, you can’t get a computer in the library because some people are too busy using a computer to watch fucking 90210. Sometimes you have to wait for like an hour in HMV because the man in front of you in the queue can’t seem to grasp how buying 3 DVDs with ‘2 for £10’ stickers on them does not come to £10. And sometimes as you innocently try to walk from the bar back to your friends having just bought 1 or 4 vodkas and coke, people barge into you causing your drinks to spill on you whilst you’re trying to hold your breath as you’re being forced to motorboat someone’s armpit. I despair. But just when you’re ready to return to your room and not come out for the foreseeable future, sometimes a man will tap you on the shoulder and give you your wallet that he saw you drop down the street. Sometimes when you knock over a tower of books at Waterstones ‘cause you’re a clumsy fuck, a woman will bend down and help you pick them all back up. And sometimes, people at the bar will let you be served first because you were in fact there before them. After moments like these, my faith in humanity is fully restored and I begin to question whether people are that bad at all.
“OH THAT’S THE 17 YEAR OLD I FINGERED IN WALKABOUT.” And then I hear someone say something like that and my faith disappears, my hatred returns and thus is the circle of life. Hakuna Matata.
Bibliography
Football players’ salaries from that newspaper I vaguely read that time.
Thank you to Wikipedia for the spelling of Nicki Minaj’s stupid fucking name.
Lyrics straight out of Nicki Minaj’s GIANT fucking arse.
Vagina synonyms from Google, and some of Swansea’s finest.
Anecdotes from my youth, and like, the other day.
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OMG your knees Moderate Doom Doom with a Smile
just exploded Doom
However, that day is not today. This originally was going to be entitled: “10 Things I Love about Life” but unfortunately I could only think of 4.5 things which I loved, and “4.5 Things I Love About Life” just sounds ridiculous so here you go.
1. Football Players
- Apparently we are in the middle of ‘Football Season’ although, I have to ask, does it ever fucking end? Personally, the sport bores the shit out of me but my issue is more with the players themselves. I read somewhere that the top players get paid well over £100, 000 a week and for what? Playing one match and going to a couple of PE lessons a week? For them to be paid so much you would expect them to be highly skilled yet all they do is kick a ball into a giant net, and half the time they can’t even do that. Perhaps they would be more successful if they spent more time on their feet and less time lying on the floor clutching their leg. Seriously, on those few unfortunate occasions where I’ve seen a few minutes of a match, there’s always some player rolling around on the floor acting like someone just shot him in the leg when in reality, he just tripped over a little daisy on the pitch. Faggots.
2. Slugs
- What exactly is the point of a slug? Does anyone know? Do they exist solely to leave jizz trails down my garden path (by which I mean the actual path in my actual garden and not the hair on my stomach, ew)? And, this is disgusting, but at night, by the backdoor in the kitchen, slugs appear and lurk on the walls. How do they do that? Are they currently inside sleeping here in the day only to awake at night or do they ooze through the keyhole and reform as they get in? Either way, get the fuck out of my house, you slimy cat turds! At least snails have the decency to hide away in their shells. I say pour salt on the bastards and watch them fizzle.
3. The ‘Haircut’
- Whilst I’m not opposed to cutting my hair, it’s the experience which I loathe and have therefore determined that I will only go to get my hair cut if one or more of the following apply:
. My fringe has grown so long I’m inhaling it.
. My hair is so long I have to tuck it behind my ears in order to listen to my headphones.
. When it’s so long that I start to look like Dawn French.
So, after one or more of those things have occurred, I go to get the job done. Ignoring the occasional scissor to the ear, it is the hairdressers who really make it insufferable. Firstly, those lovely chatty women who are so busy asking questions and gossiping with their fellow hairdressers that they make sure I’m in there for as long as possible, cheers. But really, it’s the straight male hairdressers who provide most of the joy. Now, there may be a certain stereotype where the majority of male hairdressers appear to be gay and because of this, the straight male hairdressers feel the need to affirm their ‘straight-ness’. I remember one time I went, the male in question rejoiced in telling me where the best ‘pussy’ was in Swansea (for anyone who’s interested it’s apparently in Oceana on a Friday night but having been there on a Friday myself, I would have to disagree). There was also an anecdote about how this one time he was, I believe the word he used was, “shafting” this girl and she said his penis was so big she could feel it poking her bellybutton. Well isn’t that just beautiful. It’s enough to make me seriously consider cutting my own hair.
4. Cheryl Cole
- Cheryl Cole. The Nation’s sweetheart. All the women want to be her, all the men want her to shut the fuck up and bang her. Some people say that our Cheryl has it all but I can think of one thing which she doesn’t have: talent. Her music is shit, she can barely sing and who can even understand her when she’s speaking? So many people call her a ‘role model’ and why? Because her husband cheated on her and she went to Africa and didn’t die? Because she appears in about 34985734978 shampoo adverts flicking her hair? Put a wig on a broom and blow a fan at it and that broom could do her job and be fucking worth it. Ucch. Please go back to Newcastle and remain there.
5. Warm Drinks
- I am seemingly the only person in Britain who does not like tea, or coffee and I am still unsure about hot chocolate as I’m still trying to re-grow the 11 taste buds the last cup of it burned off. In my opinion, the function of a drink should be to either refresh you or get you drunk. Preferably both. I have no interest in being boiled alive from the inside from a drink which looks like a muddy puddle. And not to mention teabags. A used teabag is absolutely revolting. One time, I attempted to remove one from my sight and I accidentally split it open and its insides squashed together and oozed out of the gap onto my hand and looked rather similar to a turd. On such an occasion when you get shat on by a teabag, you realise that the dislike is mutual and I shall be sticking to my Cherry Coke, thank you.
6. Ice cubes
- Ahhhh the unavoidable ice cubes for even if you ask for no ice, you’ll either still get it or have half your drink mysteriously disappear. They say that ice is used to keep your drink cool but what it actually does is dilute your alcohol, take up 93% of your glass thus giving you like a drip of actual drink and if you don’t finish your drink within about 17 seconds, the ice will melt and further dilute it and leave you with a lovely watery mix at the bottom of your glass. Heavenly. What’s even more annoying are pitcher type drinks you can get or that massive bucket of drink you can get at the cinema - they are absolutely riddled with ice and literally leave you with hardly anything to drink and they are really expensive. If you were to ask for one without ice, they fill half as full. I once tried to get around this at the cinema with a wonderful server, in a conversation which went a little something like this:
Me: “Can I have a large Sprite with no ice please?”
The Enemy: “I should warn you, I’ll only be able to fill it about half way up if you don’t have ice in it.”
Me: “But I’m allergic to ice so could you fill it to the top please?”
The Enemy: “How can you be allergic to ice?”
Me: “I have been since I was a child.”
The Enemy: “So you’re allergic to water?”
Me: “No, just ice.”
The Enemy: “But ice is frozen water.”
Me: “ Yes, I know what ice is but I’m allergic to the chemical that is put in it if you buy ice.”
The Enemy: “What’s it called?”
Me: “It’s called, hydro…cardio…chlordium.”
The Enemy: “You just made that up.”
Me: “ Um, no I didn’t.”
The Enemy: “ Well I can assure you that there’s none of that in our ice.”
Me: “Can I just not have ice please?”
The Enemy goes and fills the drink half full and gives it back.
The Enemy: “That will be 12 million pounds and your gall bladder please.”
Uuuch!
7. Vagina
-Hah, I mean, the actual word ‘vagina’ and not the thing itself (although I’ll be honest, there are prettier things). Frankly, ‘vagina’ is an ugly word and it’s one of those words which has about 456987349 synonyms and yet unlike other such words, every one of those synonyms is also ugly. Allow me to name but a few until I’m too disgusted to type: minge; flange; clunge; growler; muff; soggy box; ham flap; beef curtains; greasy slice…… I think I’ll end it there. Ew. “Foof” is not a terrible word but you do run the risk of sounding like an eight year old girl if you use it. Case in point, there is no nice way to refer to it so general disgust will always happen. Just don’t refer to it as a pasty as I really like pasties.
8. Nicki Minaj
- Truth be told, I could write an entire blog about how much I dislike her but I shan’t waste too many words on her. Why do I dislike Nicki Minaj? She can’t sing, she can’t rap and she looks like an epilepsy-inducing Barbie skank who is about as classy as shitting in the street. And judging from the few interviews of hers which I have seen, she is so far up her GIANT fucking arse, she really thinks she’s something special to which I say PAH. Admittedly, rap isn’t exactly my thing, but after reading someone who’s passionate about it defend it and refer to it as ‘poetry to music’, I can appreciate that there is a certain art to it. However, the best rap artists are very talented lyricists so let’s have a look at some of Miss Minaj’s lyrics:
“I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie
You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye,”
Clever. And there is also this:
“You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)”
I’m not entirely certain but she may be subtlty implying that someone is stupid and a ‘hoe‘? Hmm. But here is my personal favourite:
“Hang it up, flat screen…..plasma.
Hey Nicki, hey Nicki,…..asthma”
I mean that’s just ingenious. As long as it rhymes, right?
9. Nuts
- As in, the food. I don’t mean salted pea nuts or the nut you find in the middle of a Ferrero Rocher, but like actual, taken straight from the mouth of a squirrel, nuts. Are these meant to be eaten? They look like they should be used with which to build something. But anyway, my experience with nuts first came in my youth (not a euphemism). I remember one camping trip, and by camping I mean getting drunk in a field at night, it was about four in the morning and I was starving so my friend said that he had some food in his tent. So we went there, and he retrieved some nuts from his bag. I remember he said “after a while they start to taste like chocolate”. I had four of them and not once did they begin to taste like chocolate. In fact, they tasted suspiciously like wet tree. So in future people, please keep your nuts to yourself as they most certainly do not taste anything like chocolate (again, not a euphemism).
10. People
- The root of all evil. I think I could blame this one on causing every other thing on this list (okay, maybe I can’t blame people for slugs). People ruin days and are so utterly infuriating, I have lost all hope for the future. Sometimes people push in front of you in queues, strand on you and then pretend they didn’t realise what they were doing. Sometimes when you need to print and give in your essay in 20 minutes, you can’t get a computer in the library because some people are too busy using a computer to watch fucking 90210. Sometimes you have to wait for like an hour in HMV because the man in front of you in the queue can’t seem to grasp how buying 3 DVDs with ‘2 for £10’ stickers on them does not come to £10. And sometimes as you innocently try to walk from the bar back to your friends having just bought 1 or 4 vodkas and coke, people barge into you causing your drinks to spill on you whilst you’re trying to hold your breath as you’re being forced to motorboat someone’s armpit. I despair. But just when you’re ready to return to your room and not come out for the foreseeable future, sometimes a man will tap you on the shoulder and give you your wallet that he saw you drop down the street. Sometimes when you knock over a tower of books at Waterstones ‘cause you’re a clumsy fuck, a woman will bend down and help you pick them all back up. And sometimes, people at the bar will let you be served first because you were in fact there before them. After moments like these, my faith in humanity is fully restored and I begin to question whether people are that bad at all.
“OH THAT’S THE 17 YEAR OLD I FINGERED IN WALKABOUT.” And then I hear someone say something like that and my faith disappears, my hatred returns and thus is the circle of life. Hakuna Matata.
Bibliography
Football players’ salaries from that newspaper I vaguely read that time.
Thank you to Wikipedia for the spelling of Nicki Minaj’s stupid fucking name.
Lyrics straight out of Nicki Minaj’s GIANT fucking arse.
Vagina synonyms from Google, and some of Swansea’s finest.
Anecdotes from my youth, and like, the other day.
|_*___________________________|_______________________________|
OMG your knees Moderate Doom Doom with a Smile
just exploded Doom
Thursday, 12 April 2012
10 Things I Hate About Life. Right now.
Alright? It’s been a while. Over a year now I believe since I last posted anything here. I wish I could say that I haven’t updated this for so long because I have been so incredibly busy travelling the world, writing a book and just generally being awesome but the truth is that I’ve been in the exact same place doing the exact same things. Oooops. I intend to get back into writing on this as recently I’m beginning to think that my brain is actually turning to mush so I should probably use it at some point. The original intention of this blog was to write reviews as I watch a lot of films and read a lot of books so that is definitely on the agenda. Hopefully I shall be writing fairly regularly but knowing me, I probably won’t.
As a ‘come-back’ post, if you will, I shall write about a few things that currently irritate the living shit out of me. Let us begin.
1. Twitter
- Now, Twitter is the latest social network site to take over the world and I’m sure in a few years Facebook is going to become as dead as Myspace has become as a result. But is it just me, or is Twitter fucking shit? Okay, so you get to stalk famous people; that’s pretty cool. And hell, if one of them actually talks to you on there, that’s fucking awesome! Quite frankly, if Sebastian Bach spoke to me I’d jizz in my pants so I understand that appeal. However, what I do not understand is the rest of it. If you took everything away from Facebook but left the status updates, then that is essentially Twitter. It’s encouraging people to post even more boring updates about their lives which nobody cares about. Now I do not have Twitter, but if the status updates are anything like Facebook, then I would imagine that they will look something like these:
“Heading to the shower now”
“OMG this Dominos is lush!!!!!!!!!1”
“Cwtching wit my baby boi watching a DVD on da sofa”
“**********Generic Marilyn Monroe quote*********”
“Hello sun to the beach!”
…………2 hours later……
“OMG can’t believe it’s raining”
Ucccch, we can all safely assume that I will not be ‘tweeting’ anyone any time soon (that is not a verb! That is the sound that a bird makes.) There is something else about Twitter that pisses me off…..
2. #Hashtag
- Firstly, what the fuck is a hashtag? Why is it so important that it gets its own button on a telephone? I never press that button! What’s going on?! Anyway, my issue is with the way that it’s used on Twitter.
“Ahhhh can’t sleeep #toomuchcoffee”
“Oh no I lost my whistle #badtimes”
“I wish someone would be my friend #misunderstood”
I mean what is that? And if it wasn’t annoying enough on there, people have started to use it in other things too. #shutthefuckupyoufaggot
3. Soda Water
- This shit is vile. How anyone can think that this is an acceptable alcohol mixer is beyond me. You would think that the problem would be simple - just avoid it. But no, sometimes an innocent boy politely asks for a lemonade at Burger King and the sneaky fucks give him soda water instead. Sometimes said boy rather cheerily asks for 1 or 4 double vodka and lemonades at the bar and the crafty shits fill them with soda water instead. Sometimes the boy in question is so drunk he will actually fool himself into thinking that he can actually do shots and subsequently runs to the toilet to be sick but he will NEVER be so drunk that he wouldn’t realise that his vodka lemonade is fucking soda water. Definitely switching back to coke, says the boy, ahem.
4. Spicy Food
- Seriously, what’s the appeal? The apparent great taste that everyone raves about? Well I’ve never experienced this amazing taste as I’m usually too busy trying to put the fire on my tongue out. I had this spicy chicken like 7 months ago and I’ve only been able to feel 1/8 of my tongue ever since. True story. How can you enjoy these foods when your taste buds are being ass raped by a piece of poultry? It has no taste; fire is not a flavour. Think I’ll stick to my potato waffles, thanks.
5. Jessie J
- Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t spell her name correctly. I believe it’s Juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh Jessie J. Forgive me. When I found out she was going to be on The Voice I started to believe that the world was in fact going to end in 2012. I watched one episode of it and I quickly determined that the only thing more annoying than listening to Jessie J sing is watching her fucking sing. Or just watching her at all really. She’s so overrated it almost makes me smile but then I remember that it’s Jessie J and that makes me frown again. She over sings the crap out of her songs (anyone feeling sexy and freeEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEeEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEE?) . Her high notes sound like Janice from Friends laughing. She tries to be all gangster and shit but let’s be fair, she’s about as black as the Milkybar Kid. But most annoyingly of all, she seems to think that she is some sort of machine and keeps making these stupid fucking noises.
“It ain’t about the, ye buh bling buh bling chu ching chu ching” or however the fuck that god awful song goes. Ucch get out of my life.
6. Sarah Millican
- Now, I am apparently the only person in the entire world who does not like stand up comedians. I can literally watch an entire stand up routine thing without smiling once because I really am just that happy. Now, I don’t often watch them but Sarah Millican was on Graham Norton once and I don’t know what it was but she was so annoying. She just kept talking and I was actually shushing her out loud. Her joke repertoire seemed to be completely limited to sex. It was literally like blahblahblahblah sex blahblahblahblah lick my foof blahblahblahblah sit on my face. Now either she only recently lost her virginity and was so excited to finally have sex with someone that that’s all she can talk about or she is secretly a sex addict who, as I type, is probably on webcam to some monk scooping whipped cream off her left tit (ew, apologies for that image). I hope I never see her on my TV again.
7. The Only Way Is Essex
- This show is fucking awful. It’s supposed to be “reality” TV yet they are told what to talk about, where to go and who to talk to. It just comes across like an atrociously acted soap opera with people who are unable to construct a sentence that actually makes sense. I really hope this programme ends soon as even the advert for it makes me angry. And that dark haired guy who always looks so smug. Uccch I don’t even know his name but I hate him. If that is really an accurate depiction of life in Essex then they really should have kept it in fucking Essex and spared the rest of the world from their shit. Twats.
8. Swansea University Library
- This is the place where hopes and enthusiasm go to die. In order to get a computer, you have to get there at fucking dawn. But before you find a computer which actually works, you’ll go through about 18 of them where the internet doesn’t work, or it has a fit and turns itself off. Then, once you’re finally settled and are looking forward to what will turn into a 12 hour stint there, you will remember that the only place that’s hotter than this computer room is the SUN. Seriously I was actually literally bubbling last time I was there because I was being boiled alive. And on such an occasion where you are turning into steam and need to text someone, don’t fucking bother as the library doesn’t believe in phone signal. If you are one of the fortunate few who get like a bar, it will wait until you type your entire text and just about to press send before snatching that bar away. Sadistic prick. So in reality, the library is actually the University’s own game of Saw and only when you’re finished your work will you be allowed to escape. Good luck.
9. The Sun
- Yes I know we can’t live without the sun blahblahblahblahblah but seriously, it’s fucking annoying. When it’s like 34985734985734987 degrees here, I can’t go outside without being roasted alive. Being that warm is really the worst feeling ever. You try to cool yourself down with a drink but it’s so fucking hot that it evaporates before it even goes in your mouth. Not only that, but my skin burns like a little ginger girl. I like being pale thank you. But when the sun is really on a roll, even staying inside is a difficult task. You try to go on the computer or watch the television but you soon discover that it’s so bright that you can’t even see the screen. Uccch give me some clouds and a lush wind and that my friends is the perfect weather. Fact.
10. Buses.
- Oh yes, the bane of my life. I hate them. And it isn’t because whenever I’m late they’re early and when I’m early they’re late. It isn’t because I had to sell my gall bladder to be able to afford the increased All Day Ticket. And it isn’t the fact that they don’t run on Sundays leaving me stranded on those days. Truth be told, it isn’t the buses that I hate. But the people who get on them. To the kids who push in front me in the queue after I have been waiting for 30 minutes, thank you. To the old people who take a year to get on the bus and then get off at the next stop, cheers. To the mothers who insist on buying the biggest fuck off pram you have ever seen in your life and insist on not putting it down so it takes up 82% of the bus, hallelujah! But to the drunk old men who smell like stale smoke and tramp who insist on talking to you and singing whatever song that they are trying their hardest to sing, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And that concludes my cheery post. Remember folks, don’t let the little things bug you and do as I do. Keep it to yourself and write about it later.
Bibliography
Facebook quotes inspired by my exciting friends on Facebook.
Twitter quotes inspired by the losers that came up on google.
Lyrics from the questionable mind of Juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-Jessie J.
The Only Way Is Essex as seen on ITV2.
Doom Scale
|_*___________________________|_______________________________|
OMG your knees Moderate Doom Doom with a Smile
just exploded Doom
As a ‘come-back’ post, if you will, I shall write about a few things that currently irritate the living shit out of me. Let us begin.
1. Twitter
- Now, Twitter is the latest social network site to take over the world and I’m sure in a few years Facebook is going to become as dead as Myspace has become as a result. But is it just me, or is Twitter fucking shit? Okay, so you get to stalk famous people; that’s pretty cool. And hell, if one of them actually talks to you on there, that’s fucking awesome! Quite frankly, if Sebastian Bach spoke to me I’d jizz in my pants so I understand that appeal. However, what I do not understand is the rest of it. If you took everything away from Facebook but left the status updates, then that is essentially Twitter. It’s encouraging people to post even more boring updates about their lives which nobody cares about. Now I do not have Twitter, but if the status updates are anything like Facebook, then I would imagine that they will look something like these:
“Heading to the shower now”
“OMG this Dominos is lush!!!!!!!!!1”
“Cwtching wit my baby boi watching a DVD on da sofa”
“**********Generic Marilyn Monroe quote*********”
“Hello sun to the beach!”
…………2 hours later……
“OMG can’t believe it’s raining”
Ucccch, we can all safely assume that I will not be ‘tweeting’ anyone any time soon (that is not a verb! That is the sound that a bird makes.) There is something else about Twitter that pisses me off…..
2. #Hashtag
- Firstly, what the fuck is a hashtag? Why is it so important that it gets its own button on a telephone? I never press that button! What’s going on?! Anyway, my issue is with the way that it’s used on Twitter.
“Ahhhh can’t sleeep #toomuchcoffee”
“Oh no I lost my whistle #badtimes”
“I wish someone would be my friend #misunderstood”
I mean what is that? And if it wasn’t annoying enough on there, people have started to use it in other things too. #shutthefuckupyoufaggot
3. Soda Water
- This shit is vile. How anyone can think that this is an acceptable alcohol mixer is beyond me. You would think that the problem would be simple - just avoid it. But no, sometimes an innocent boy politely asks for a lemonade at Burger King and the sneaky fucks give him soda water instead. Sometimes said boy rather cheerily asks for 1 or 4 double vodka and lemonades at the bar and the crafty shits fill them with soda water instead. Sometimes the boy in question is so drunk he will actually fool himself into thinking that he can actually do shots and subsequently runs to the toilet to be sick but he will NEVER be so drunk that he wouldn’t realise that his vodka lemonade is fucking soda water. Definitely switching back to coke, says the boy, ahem.
4. Spicy Food
- Seriously, what’s the appeal? The apparent great taste that everyone raves about? Well I’ve never experienced this amazing taste as I’m usually too busy trying to put the fire on my tongue out. I had this spicy chicken like 7 months ago and I’ve only been able to feel 1/8 of my tongue ever since. True story. How can you enjoy these foods when your taste buds are being ass raped by a piece of poultry? It has no taste; fire is not a flavour. Think I’ll stick to my potato waffles, thanks.
5. Jessie J
- Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t spell her name correctly. I believe it’s Juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh Jessie J. Forgive me. When I found out she was going to be on The Voice I started to believe that the world was in fact going to end in 2012. I watched one episode of it and I quickly determined that the only thing more annoying than listening to Jessie J sing is watching her fucking sing. Or just watching her at all really. She’s so overrated it almost makes me smile but then I remember that it’s Jessie J and that makes me frown again. She over sings the crap out of her songs (anyone feeling sexy and freeEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEeEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEE?) . Her high notes sound like Janice from Friends laughing. She tries to be all gangster and shit but let’s be fair, she’s about as black as the Milkybar Kid. But most annoyingly of all, she seems to think that she is some sort of machine and keeps making these stupid fucking noises.
“It ain’t about the, ye buh bling buh bling chu ching chu ching” or however the fuck that god awful song goes. Ucch get out of my life.
6. Sarah Millican
- Now, I am apparently the only person in the entire world who does not like stand up comedians. I can literally watch an entire stand up routine thing without smiling once because I really am just that happy. Now, I don’t often watch them but Sarah Millican was on Graham Norton once and I don’t know what it was but she was so annoying. She just kept talking and I was actually shushing her out loud. Her joke repertoire seemed to be completely limited to sex. It was literally like blahblahblahblah sex blahblahblahblah lick my foof blahblahblahblah sit on my face. Now either she only recently lost her virginity and was so excited to finally have sex with someone that that’s all she can talk about or she is secretly a sex addict who, as I type, is probably on webcam to some monk scooping whipped cream off her left tit (ew, apologies for that image). I hope I never see her on my TV again.
7. The Only Way Is Essex
- This show is fucking awful. It’s supposed to be “reality” TV yet they are told what to talk about, where to go and who to talk to. It just comes across like an atrociously acted soap opera with people who are unable to construct a sentence that actually makes sense. I really hope this programme ends soon as even the advert for it makes me angry. And that dark haired guy who always looks so smug. Uccch I don’t even know his name but I hate him. If that is really an accurate depiction of life in Essex then they really should have kept it in fucking Essex and spared the rest of the world from their shit. Twats.
8. Swansea University Library
- This is the place where hopes and enthusiasm go to die. In order to get a computer, you have to get there at fucking dawn. But before you find a computer which actually works, you’ll go through about 18 of them where the internet doesn’t work, or it has a fit and turns itself off. Then, once you’re finally settled and are looking forward to what will turn into a 12 hour stint there, you will remember that the only place that’s hotter than this computer room is the SUN. Seriously I was actually literally bubbling last time I was there because I was being boiled alive. And on such an occasion where you are turning into steam and need to text someone, don’t fucking bother as the library doesn’t believe in phone signal. If you are one of the fortunate few who get like a bar, it will wait until you type your entire text and just about to press send before snatching that bar away. Sadistic prick. So in reality, the library is actually the University’s own game of Saw and only when you’re finished your work will you be allowed to escape. Good luck.
9. The Sun
- Yes I know we can’t live without the sun blahblahblahblahblah but seriously, it’s fucking annoying. When it’s like 34985734985734987 degrees here, I can’t go outside without being roasted alive. Being that warm is really the worst feeling ever. You try to cool yourself down with a drink but it’s so fucking hot that it evaporates before it even goes in your mouth. Not only that, but my skin burns like a little ginger girl. I like being pale thank you. But when the sun is really on a roll, even staying inside is a difficult task. You try to go on the computer or watch the television but you soon discover that it’s so bright that you can’t even see the screen. Uccch give me some clouds and a lush wind and that my friends is the perfect weather. Fact.
10. Buses.
- Oh yes, the bane of my life. I hate them. And it isn’t because whenever I’m late they’re early and when I’m early they’re late. It isn’t because I had to sell my gall bladder to be able to afford the increased All Day Ticket. And it isn’t the fact that they don’t run on Sundays leaving me stranded on those days. Truth be told, it isn’t the buses that I hate. But the people who get on them. To the kids who push in front me in the queue after I have been waiting for 30 minutes, thank you. To the old people who take a year to get on the bus and then get off at the next stop, cheers. To the mothers who insist on buying the biggest fuck off pram you have ever seen in your life and insist on not putting it down so it takes up 82% of the bus, hallelujah! But to the drunk old men who smell like stale smoke and tramp who insist on talking to you and singing whatever song that they are trying their hardest to sing, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And that concludes my cheery post. Remember folks, don’t let the little things bug you and do as I do. Keep it to yourself and write about it later.
Bibliography
Facebook quotes inspired by my exciting friends on Facebook.
Twitter quotes inspired by the losers that came up on google.
Lyrics from the questionable mind of Juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-Jessie J.
The Only Way Is Essex as seen on ITV2.
Doom Scale
|_*___________________________|_______________________________|
OMG your knees Moderate Doom Doom with a Smile
just exploded Doom
Friday, 25 February 2011
Girl Power! Or I can't be arsed to shave my legs
“My girls, we’re stronger than one. And sometimes, we gotta have fun” from a rather shit song by Miss Christina Aguilera
Is it just me, or do lyrics like that make you physically sick? Everybody on this planet has their own personal pet peeves. Usually, the average person has maybe nine or ten things which make them want to dropkick something into a pit of daggers and doom; naturally however I have about 237. Whilst it would be difficult to rate all 237 things in order of how much they piss me off, I would say that feminism is pretty high up there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all sexist. In fact, most of my friends are girls and there are many famous females out there whom I admire. Okay, I have laughed at the odd woman/kitchen joke. Only 3 times have I ever searched for those types of jokes on Facebook (something which I highly recommend) , but overall, I’m really not sexist. And I’m not against women’s rights and such. What I hate is that girl power Spice Girls crap.
To be honest, I really don’t care about the feminist movement in the 70’s where women protested for their rights by burning their bras. How exactly saggy boobs helped them achieve this is beyond me, but it’s done; it’s over. Sexism isn’t nearly as bad as it was back then, but why are some women still unsatisfied? I’m all for equal rights, but it is quite clear that feminism evolved from merely wanting equal rights, to instead encouraging female superiority. How exactly is that any better than sexism? Answer: it’s really not. However, there are certain inequalities which I intend to highlight:
“…the guy gets all the glory, the more he can score. While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore.” from a less shit song by Miss Christina Aguilera
Here, Christina Aguilera ever so subtly acknowledges a common double standard in society (this is another lyric from the song - oh never mind, I’m like the only person who likes her anyway). Today, it is far more acceptable for a man to shag about like a rabbit on steroids than it is for a woman. If a woman were to engage in such behaviour, she would most likely be referred to as a slag; a slut; a whore; a skank or a ‘ho’, all of which are amongst my favourite words. Of course, in recent years the term “man slag” has been popularised but it’s not nearly as insulting as the aforementioned terms. This double standard, or inequality if you will, applies to most peoples’ views, I would assume, and other than Christina Aguilera, would any woman really want to change this? Sexuality has always been more of a private topic amongst the girls, and I really couldn’t imagine a female saying “Oh can you come back in 15 minutes girls, I’m in the middle of a wank”. Samantha Jones, from Sex and the City comes to mind in this particular area, and although she is unquestionably a very entertaining fictional character, are women really like that in real life? Would women want to be like that in real life? I am most interested. Personally, her character has always divided my opinion. Is she a symbol of female empowerment or just a dirty old whore? Anyway, sleeping around? I’m sorry, but in my opinion you are a whore, no matter what genitals you possess.
The next issue on my list is something that I luckily will never have to experience. That is of course, paying for the female. Why is it exactly that the man is expected to buy the girl food, buy her drinks, buy her cinema ticket, buy her a shit flower from a questionable Asian man on Wind Street, and also pay for the taxi? It’s not romantic, it’s fucking expensive! Buying her flowers is a nice gesture, sure. Buying her a couple of drinks is even better, awesome. Paying for her food, holy shit you’re the man. Anything more is really taking advantage. And mate, you really shouldn’t be so desperate. If it takes paying for all this crap to get her to like you, is she really worth it? My answer would be hell no. Why is it that certain women are very much into the girl power, independent woman thing, yet they expect the man to pay on their nights out and such? You can’t expect a man to be chivalrous and yourself to be an “independent woman” just like you couldn’t eat only McDonalds for a week and not put on weight. And I’ve heard a girl say before “The guy likes to pay ‘cause it shows his manliness”. I can’t speak for every guy out there, but I’d rather spend my money on an xbox game, or a burger.
The final issue I would like to address is VIOLENCE. Professional Wrestling on American television networks is allowed to show a man beating up a man, a woman beating up a woman, a woman beating up a man but forbids a man to be shown beating up a woman. Excuse me? Why the hell not? How is it any different? And not to get into the debate on how real Pro Wrestling is (believe me that will be featured in a future blog), but it truly boggles my mind. A woman is allowed to beat up a man on television but not the other way around? Why is it any different? Violence against women is obviously not tolerated on television, but real life it‘s even worse . And no, I’m not saying that you should all go out and bitchslap a grandma on the street or something in a march against feminism. Hear me out:
Some girls, not all of them, but some girls I would say feel a sense of superiority in an altercation with a boy. Using myself as an example, I shall explain what I mean. One time, I was with one female friend and a male friend, and these two boys walked past us and said something like “cut yo’ hair” or something along those lines, to my male friend and I. We ignored it, ‘cause we really didn’t care, but the female friend proceeded to talk back and said something in a chav voice which can only be spelled as “hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” with extra emphasis on the “a” and some other words in that same voice. The boys walked away. About an hour later, my friends and I were walking down the street, and those same boys came up to us and in fact, punched us in the face. It hurt. So yes, because my female friend (who’s very nice btw; love you!) talked shit to these boys, knowing full well that they wouldn’t do anything to her, my male friend and I got punched, even though the only thing we were guilty of is having awesome hair. I’m not saying I would have preferred my female friend to have been hit, on the contrary, I’m glad I was instead of her. However, this occurrence does back up my point.
Another instance would be when I went to Swansea Bus Station alone in the evening. This was before the nice place was built, and when the bus station generally looked like one huge bin. Anyway, I entered and quickly came across two tracksuit-clad females who were beating the shit out of a painfully skinny emo guy. In fact, he was so skinny and had hair so long, I first believed him to be a girl himself, but I soon realised my mistake. Literally now, they were kicking his ass. They weren’t throwing feminine slaps but full on fists of fury. I don’t know why they were doing it, but all that registered with me was the fact that he wasn’t fighting back because they were girls. He let himself get the shit beat out of him in a public place (no one tried to help him, I would have but I was young and feeble) just because society frowns upon male violence against women. I say, fuck society! If a girl pounds on you, I think a male should have every right to dropkick her in the face. If anyone, no matter male or female, physically put a hand on you first and instigate a fight, then by all means fight back. It’s their own fault for starting the fight in the first place. Violence should never be the answer, especially to the usual petty problems like “oi you, did you just look at my boyfriend” *PUNCH* Seriously people, sort it out. We’re supposed to be the most intelligent species on the planet.
Anyway, pour conclure, if I came across as being sexist, then I do apologise as I’m really not. Like I said, the majority of my friends are females and they are amazing people whom I respect very much. However, to the women out there who are still going on about feminism, women are not better than men. Men are not better than women. We live together in this world, and need each other to survive (and I am not interested in that whole thing about replacing men for test tubes or whatever). There are some occasions where double standards work in a woman’s favour, so just be happy that men are not likely to twat you in the face any time soon.
Bibliography
Lyrics from Christina Aguilera and my I-pod.
Doom Scale
|______*______________________|_______________________________|
Is it just me, or do lyrics like that make you physically sick? Everybody on this planet has their own personal pet peeves. Usually, the average person has maybe nine or ten things which make them want to dropkick something into a pit of daggers and doom; naturally however I have about 237. Whilst it would be difficult to rate all 237 things in order of how much they piss me off, I would say that feminism is pretty high up there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all sexist. In fact, most of my friends are girls and there are many famous females out there whom I admire. Okay, I have laughed at the odd woman/kitchen joke. Only 3 times have I ever searched for those types of jokes on Facebook (something which I highly recommend) , but overall, I’m really not sexist. And I’m not against women’s rights and such. What I hate is that girl power Spice Girls crap.
To be honest, I really don’t care about the feminist movement in the 70’s where women protested for their rights by burning their bras. How exactly saggy boobs helped them achieve this is beyond me, but it’s done; it’s over. Sexism isn’t nearly as bad as it was back then, but why are some women still unsatisfied? I’m all for equal rights, but it is quite clear that feminism evolved from merely wanting equal rights, to instead encouraging female superiority. How exactly is that any better than sexism? Answer: it’s really not. However, there are certain inequalities which I intend to highlight:
“…the guy gets all the glory, the more he can score. While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore.” from a less shit song by Miss Christina Aguilera
Here, Christina Aguilera ever so subtly acknowledges a common double standard in society (this is another lyric from the song - oh never mind, I’m like the only person who likes her anyway). Today, it is far more acceptable for a man to shag about like a rabbit on steroids than it is for a woman. If a woman were to engage in such behaviour, she would most likely be referred to as a slag; a slut; a whore; a skank or a ‘ho’, all of which are amongst my favourite words. Of course, in recent years the term “man slag” has been popularised but it’s not nearly as insulting as the aforementioned terms. This double standard, or inequality if you will, applies to most peoples’ views, I would assume, and other than Christina Aguilera, would any woman really want to change this? Sexuality has always been more of a private topic amongst the girls, and I really couldn’t imagine a female saying “Oh can you come back in 15 minutes girls, I’m in the middle of a wank”. Samantha Jones, from Sex and the City comes to mind in this particular area, and although she is unquestionably a very entertaining fictional character, are women really like that in real life? Would women want to be like that in real life? I am most interested. Personally, her character has always divided my opinion. Is she a symbol of female empowerment or just a dirty old whore? Anyway, sleeping around? I’m sorry, but in my opinion you are a whore, no matter what genitals you possess.
The next issue on my list is something that I luckily will never have to experience. That is of course, paying for the female. Why is it exactly that the man is expected to buy the girl food, buy her drinks, buy her cinema ticket, buy her a shit flower from a questionable Asian man on Wind Street, and also pay for the taxi? It’s not romantic, it’s fucking expensive! Buying her flowers is a nice gesture, sure. Buying her a couple of drinks is even better, awesome. Paying for her food, holy shit you’re the man. Anything more is really taking advantage. And mate, you really shouldn’t be so desperate. If it takes paying for all this crap to get her to like you, is she really worth it? My answer would be hell no. Why is it that certain women are very much into the girl power, independent woman thing, yet they expect the man to pay on their nights out and such? You can’t expect a man to be chivalrous and yourself to be an “independent woman” just like you couldn’t eat only McDonalds for a week and not put on weight. And I’ve heard a girl say before “The guy likes to pay ‘cause it shows his manliness”. I can’t speak for every guy out there, but I’d rather spend my money on an xbox game, or a burger.
The final issue I would like to address is VIOLENCE. Professional Wrestling on American television networks is allowed to show a man beating up a man, a woman beating up a woman, a woman beating up a man but forbids a man to be shown beating up a woman. Excuse me? Why the hell not? How is it any different? And not to get into the debate on how real Pro Wrestling is (believe me that will be featured in a future blog), but it truly boggles my mind. A woman is allowed to beat up a man on television but not the other way around? Why is it any different? Violence against women is obviously not tolerated on television, but real life it‘s even worse . And no, I’m not saying that you should all go out and bitchslap a grandma on the street or something in a march against feminism. Hear me out:
Some girls, not all of them, but some girls I would say feel a sense of superiority in an altercation with a boy. Using myself as an example, I shall explain what I mean. One time, I was with one female friend and a male friend, and these two boys walked past us and said something like “cut yo’ hair” or something along those lines, to my male friend and I. We ignored it, ‘cause we really didn’t care, but the female friend proceeded to talk back and said something in a chav voice which can only be spelled as “hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” with extra emphasis on the “a” and some other words in that same voice. The boys walked away. About an hour later, my friends and I were walking down the street, and those same boys came up to us and in fact, punched us in the face. It hurt. So yes, because my female friend (who’s very nice btw; love you!) talked shit to these boys, knowing full well that they wouldn’t do anything to her, my male friend and I got punched, even though the only thing we were guilty of is having awesome hair. I’m not saying I would have preferred my female friend to have been hit, on the contrary, I’m glad I was instead of her. However, this occurrence does back up my point.
Another instance would be when I went to Swansea Bus Station alone in the evening. This was before the nice place was built, and when the bus station generally looked like one huge bin. Anyway, I entered and quickly came across two tracksuit-clad females who were beating the shit out of a painfully skinny emo guy. In fact, he was so skinny and had hair so long, I first believed him to be a girl himself, but I soon realised my mistake. Literally now, they were kicking his ass. They weren’t throwing feminine slaps but full on fists of fury. I don’t know why they were doing it, but all that registered with me was the fact that he wasn’t fighting back because they were girls. He let himself get the shit beat out of him in a public place (no one tried to help him, I would have but I was young and feeble) just because society frowns upon male violence against women. I say, fuck society! If a girl pounds on you, I think a male should have every right to dropkick her in the face. If anyone, no matter male or female, physically put a hand on you first and instigate a fight, then by all means fight back. It’s their own fault for starting the fight in the first place. Violence should never be the answer, especially to the usual petty problems like “oi you, did you just look at my boyfriend” *PUNCH* Seriously people, sort it out. We’re supposed to be the most intelligent species on the planet.
Anyway, pour conclure, if I came across as being sexist, then I do apologise as I’m really not. Like I said, the majority of my friends are females and they are amazing people whom I respect very much. However, to the women out there who are still going on about feminism, women are not better than men. Men are not better than women. We live together in this world, and need each other to survive (and I am not interested in that whole thing about replacing men for test tubes or whatever). There are some occasions where double standards work in a woman’s favour, so just be happy that men are not likely to twat you in the face any time soon.
Bibliography
Lyrics from Christina Aguilera and my I-pod.
Doom Scale
|______*______________________|_______________________________|
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Facing the Ugly
“In a world filled with butterflies, it takes balls to be a caterpillar” Luna Vachon (RIP)
Here in 2011, our society is bombarded with sex, sex, sex and, oh yes, SEX. The pressure to look absolutely gorgeous is higher than ever, where people go to extreme lengths to achieve what their own minds deem to be ‘perfection’. Television; films; the entertainment industry is full of beautiful people. However, how do the regular people in every day life fare?
In an episode of 8 Simple Rules, Kerry decided to make a video diary, if you will, in the life of her more attractive sister, Bridget. During this particular episode, Kerry records several instances in which Bridget uses her looks in order to get what she wants. The diary details a nerdy boy completing multiple homework assignments for her, with her giving the boy another digit to her phone number for each pieve of homework he did for her. In another scene, Bridget was stopped by a police officer in her car for some reason or other, and was able to get off free of charge after telling a ridiculous story which made little sense, basically implying that the male officer let her off because he wanted to bang her. Although these occurrences are obviously exaggerated, I believe it raised a very valid point. Does how attractive you are influence the way people treat you?
I shall put myself forward as the primary example of this blog. Unfortunately, I am no Bridget. In fact, it’s fair to say that I’m about as far away from her as you could possibly get. You see, I am what people would call ugly; minging; buzzing; hanging; a munter; nice mask….oh; put a bag over it and there‘s a chance someone will be drunk enough to shag you; is it a bird? Is it a plane? Oh wait, it’s your fucking ugly face.
I am what this world would call, a caterpillar. Of course, this is a metaphor; I have no intention of shedding my skin or jizzing on plants (or whatever that foul gunky stuff is that caterpillar’s leave on leaves). I am, what polite people would call, unfortunate looking or simply, unattractive.
As a child, I don’t think you really think about these things. At least I didn’t. It wasn’t until I hit the big 16 that I received my first ugly insult. Since then, they have been fairly regular, ranging from the sarcastic, “wow, you are LUSH”, to the ever popular, “you’re fucking hanging”. These were mostly from random people whom I passed on the street or in school who felt the need to say them. When they first started, of course they bothered me. I’ve always been able to hold my own in a classic game of trading insults, but that particular insult would always floor me. How could I defend myself? It was true.
I would be lying to say that it doesn’t affect your confidence. I remember the slogan for some shit product on television was “Look Good, Feel Good”. Well, this might explain my rather bleak look on life. Friendship wise, although it rarely comes up directly, it can easily be sussed. For example, when all of your friends tell each other how nice they think each other look, the general awful pictures that your friends tag of you, and perhaps not so subtle “Your mums quite pretty, so is your father really ugly or something?” How nice. Sometimes it does crop up in the back of your mind: would you have more friends if you were more attractive? The conclusion I always come to is no. You might have far more acquaintances, know a lot more people and have 43985734958 friends on Facebook, but the number of true friends that you would have would be exactly the same. If people are only friends with you for how you look then they are seriously, not worth it.
Judging people by their appearance is not a sin. Who doesn’t do it? Stating whether you find someone attractive or not is an everyday occurrence. However, in some cases, it’s just down right nasty. When, let’s say, a rather unfortunate looking girl is with a rather fortunate looking boy, do you honestly think it’s alright for you to say “Oh he’s way too good for her. He can do loads better”. Or reverse the roles, an attractive girl with an unattractive boy and the girl’s own friend says:
Bitch : “ Why the hell is she with him? She so pretty.”
Me: “ I bet he’s really nice. Have you met him?”
Bitch: “No I don’t want to he’s fucking hanging”.
In my eyes, you’re fucking hanging love. There will come a time when you get with a super-attractive person and you’ll hear their friends telling them that you’re too ugly for them. How would you feel then?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bitter ugly person. I am now 20 years old and have grown up a lot since my teenage years. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t give a shit if I repulse people. I, myself have learned to live with it. I’m not going to set myself up for disappointment in trying to pull at a club and never pulling, I simply don’t even try ‘cause I know it’s not going to happen. When you forget about how you look, you’ll have such a better time whether you’re out on the piss, or just going through life. There is a lot more to a person than how they look. I myself look like a cross between Rafiki from Lion King, and a pumpkin on Halloween. So, should I stay in the house and cry about how ugly I am? No. There are people far worse off than I am, whether they have been in an awful accident or suffering from a harrowing disease of some kind.
To conclude, being a caterpillar in a butterfly’s world may be difficult at first, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. As long as you’ve got friends and a family who genuinely care about you, then that’s all that really matters. Life goes on even after your looks have faded.
Here in 2011, our society is bombarded with sex, sex, sex and, oh yes, SEX. The pressure to look absolutely gorgeous is higher than ever, where people go to extreme lengths to achieve what their own minds deem to be ‘perfection’. Television; films; the entertainment industry is full of beautiful people. However, how do the regular people in every day life fare?
In an episode of 8 Simple Rules, Kerry decided to make a video diary, if you will, in the life of her more attractive sister, Bridget. During this particular episode, Kerry records several instances in which Bridget uses her looks in order to get what she wants. The diary details a nerdy boy completing multiple homework assignments for her, with her giving the boy another digit to her phone number for each pieve of homework he did for her. In another scene, Bridget was stopped by a police officer in her car for some reason or other, and was able to get off free of charge after telling a ridiculous story which made little sense, basically implying that the male officer let her off because he wanted to bang her. Although these occurrences are obviously exaggerated, I believe it raised a very valid point. Does how attractive you are influence the way people treat you?
I shall put myself forward as the primary example of this blog. Unfortunately, I am no Bridget. In fact, it’s fair to say that I’m about as far away from her as you could possibly get. You see, I am what people would call ugly; minging; buzzing; hanging; a munter; nice mask….oh; put a bag over it and there‘s a chance someone will be drunk enough to shag you; is it a bird? Is it a plane? Oh wait, it’s your fucking ugly face.
I am what this world would call, a caterpillar. Of course, this is a metaphor; I have no intention of shedding my skin or jizzing on plants (or whatever that foul gunky stuff is that caterpillar’s leave on leaves). I am, what polite people would call, unfortunate looking or simply, unattractive.
As a child, I don’t think you really think about these things. At least I didn’t. It wasn’t until I hit the big 16 that I received my first ugly insult. Since then, they have been fairly regular, ranging from the sarcastic, “wow, you are LUSH”, to the ever popular, “you’re fucking hanging”. These were mostly from random people whom I passed on the street or in school who felt the need to say them. When they first started, of course they bothered me. I’ve always been able to hold my own in a classic game of trading insults, but that particular insult would always floor me. How could I defend myself? It was true.
I would be lying to say that it doesn’t affect your confidence. I remember the slogan for some shit product on television was “Look Good, Feel Good”. Well, this might explain my rather bleak look on life. Friendship wise, although it rarely comes up directly, it can easily be sussed. For example, when all of your friends tell each other how nice they think each other look, the general awful pictures that your friends tag of you, and perhaps not so subtle “Your mums quite pretty, so is your father really ugly or something?” How nice. Sometimes it does crop up in the back of your mind: would you have more friends if you were more attractive? The conclusion I always come to is no. You might have far more acquaintances, know a lot more people and have 43985734958 friends on Facebook, but the number of true friends that you would have would be exactly the same. If people are only friends with you for how you look then they are seriously, not worth it.
Judging people by their appearance is not a sin. Who doesn’t do it? Stating whether you find someone attractive or not is an everyday occurrence. However, in some cases, it’s just down right nasty. When, let’s say, a rather unfortunate looking girl is with a rather fortunate looking boy, do you honestly think it’s alright for you to say “Oh he’s way too good for her. He can do loads better”. Or reverse the roles, an attractive girl with an unattractive boy and the girl’s own friend says:
Bitch : “ Why the hell is she with him? She so pretty.”
Me: “ I bet he’s really nice. Have you met him?”
Bitch: “No I don’t want to he’s fucking hanging”.
In my eyes, you’re fucking hanging love. There will come a time when you get with a super-attractive person and you’ll hear their friends telling them that you’re too ugly for them. How would you feel then?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a bitter ugly person. I am now 20 years old and have grown up a lot since my teenage years. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t give a shit if I repulse people. I, myself have learned to live with it. I’m not going to set myself up for disappointment in trying to pull at a club and never pulling, I simply don’t even try ‘cause I know it’s not going to happen. When you forget about how you look, you’ll have such a better time whether you’re out on the piss, or just going through life. There is a lot more to a person than how they look. I myself look like a cross between Rafiki from Lion King, and a pumpkin on Halloween. So, should I stay in the house and cry about how ugly I am? No. There are people far worse off than I am, whether they have been in an awful accident or suffering from a harrowing disease of some kind.
To conclude, being a caterpillar in a butterfly’s world may be difficult at first, but in the end it doesn’t really matter. As long as you’ve got friends and a family who genuinely care about you, then that’s all that really matters. Life goes on even after your looks have faded.
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