Alright? It’s been a while. Over a year now I believe since I last posted anything here. I wish I could say that I haven’t updated this for so long because I have been so incredibly busy travelling the world, writing a book and just generally being awesome but the truth is that I’ve been in the exact same place doing the exact same things. Oooops. I intend to get back into writing on this as recently I’m beginning to think that my brain is actually turning to mush so I should probably use it at some point. The original intention of this blog was to write reviews as I watch a lot of films and read a lot of books so that is definitely on the agenda. Hopefully I shall be writing fairly regularly but knowing me, I probably won’t.
As a ‘come-back’ post, if you will, I shall write about a few things that currently irritate the living shit out of me. Let us begin.
- Now, Twitter is the latest social network site to take over the world and I’m sure in a few years Facebook is going to become as dead as Myspace has become as a result. But is it just me, or is Twitter fucking shit? Okay, so you get to stalk famous people; that’s pretty cool. And hell, if one of them actually talks to you on there, that’s fucking awesome! Quite frankly, if Sebastian Bach spoke to me I’d jizz in my pants so I understand that appeal. However, what I do not understand is the rest of it. If you took everything away from Facebook but left the status updates, then that is essentially Twitter. It’s encouraging people to post even more boring updates about their lives which nobody cares about. Now I do not have Twitter, but if the status updates are anything like Facebook, then I would imagine that they will look something like these:
“Heading to the shower now”
“OMG this Dominos is lush!!!!!!!!!1”
“Cwtching wit my baby boi watching a DVD on da sofa”
“**********Generic Marilyn Monroe quote*********”
“Hello sun to the beach!”
…………2 hours later……
“OMG can’t believe it’s raining”
Ucccch, we can all safely assume that I will not be ‘tweeting’ anyone any time soon (that is not a verb! That is the sound that a bird makes.) There is something else about Twitter that pisses me off…..
- Firstly, what the fuck is a hashtag? Why is it so important that it gets its own button on a telephone? I never press that button! What’s going on?! Anyway, my issue is with the way that it’s used on Twitter.
“Ahhhh can’t sleeep #toomuchcoffee”
“Oh no I lost my whistle #badtimes”
“I wish someone would be my friend #misunderstood”
I mean what is that? And if it wasn’t annoying enough on there, people have started to use it in other things too. #shutthefuckupyoufaggot
3. Soda Water
- This shit is vile. How anyone can think that this is an acceptable alcohol mixer is beyond me. You would think that the problem would be simple - just avoid it. But no, sometimes an innocent boy politely asks for a lemonade at Burger King and the sneaky fucks give him soda water instead. Sometimes said boy rather cheerily asks for 1 or 4 double vodka and lemonades at the bar and the crafty shits fill them with soda water instead. Sometimes the boy in question is so drunk he will actually fool himself into thinking that he can actually do shots and subsequently runs to the toilet to be sick but he will NEVER be so drunk that he wouldn’t realise that his vodka lemonade is fucking soda water. Definitely switching back to coke, says the boy, ahem.
4. Spicy Food
- Seriously, what’s the appeal? The apparent great taste that everyone raves about? Well I’ve never experienced this amazing taste as I’m usually too busy trying to put the fire on my tongue out. I had this spicy chicken like 7 months ago and I’ve only been able to feel 1/8 of my tongue ever since. True story. How can you enjoy these foods when your taste buds are being ass raped by a piece of poultry? It has no taste; fire is not a flavour. Think I’ll stick to my potato waffles, thanks.
5. Jessie J
- Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t spell her name correctly. I believe it’s Juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh Jessie J. Forgive me. When I found out she was going to be on The Voice I started to believe that the world was in fact going to end in 2012. I watched one episode of it and I quickly determined that the only thing more annoying than listening to Jessie J sing is watching her fucking sing. Or just watching her at all really. She’s so overrated it almost makes me smile but then I remember that it’s Jessie J and that makes me frown again. She over sings the crap out of her songs (anyone feeling sexy and freeEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEeEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEE?) . Her high notes sound like Janice from Friends laughing. She tries to be all gangster and shit but let’s be fair, she’s about as black as the Milkybar Kid. But most annoyingly of all, she seems to think that she is some sort of machine and keeps making these stupid fucking noises.
“It ain’t about the, ye buh bling buh bling chu ching chu ching” or however the fuck that god awful song goes. Ucch get out of my life.
6. Sarah Millican
- Now, I am apparently the only person in the entire world who does not like stand up comedians. I can literally watch an entire stand up routine thing without smiling once because I really am just that happy. Now, I don’t often watch them but Sarah Millican was on Graham Norton once and I don’t know what it was but she was so annoying. She just kept talking and I was actually shushing her out loud. Her joke repertoire seemed to be completely limited to sex. It was literally like blahblahblahblah sex blahblahblahblah lick my foof blahblahblahblah sit on my face. Now either she only recently lost her virginity and was so excited to finally have sex with someone that that’s all she can talk about or she is secretly a sex addict who, as I type, is probably on webcam to some monk scooping whipped cream off her left tit (ew, apologies for that image). I hope I never see her on my TV again.
7. The Only Way Is Essex
- This show is fucking awful. It’s supposed to be “reality” TV yet they are told what to talk about, where to go and who to talk to. It just comes across like an atrociously acted soap opera with people who are unable to construct a sentence that actually makes sense. I really hope this programme ends soon as even the advert for it makes me angry. And that dark haired guy who always looks so smug. Uccch I don’t even know his name but I hate him. If that is really an accurate depiction of life in Essex then they really should have kept it in fucking Essex and spared the rest of the world from their shit. Twats.
8. Swansea University Library
- This is the place where hopes and enthusiasm go to die. In order to get a computer, you have to get there at fucking dawn. But before you find a computer which actually works, you’ll go through about 18 of them where the internet doesn’t work, or it has a fit and turns itself off. Then, once you’re finally settled and are looking forward to what will turn into a 12 hour stint there, you will remember that the only place that’s hotter than this computer room is the SUN. Seriously I was actually literally bubbling last time I was there because I was being boiled alive. And on such an occasion where you are turning into steam and need to text someone, don’t fucking bother as the library doesn’t believe in phone signal. If you are one of the fortunate few who get like a bar, it will wait until you type your entire text and just about to press send before snatching that bar away. Sadistic prick. So in reality, the library is actually the University’s own game of Saw and only when you’re finished your work will you be allowed to escape. Good luck.
9. The Sun
- Yes I know we can’t live without the sun blahblahblahblahblah but seriously, it’s fucking annoying. When it’s like 34985734985734987 degrees here, I can’t go outside without being roasted alive. Being that warm is really the worst feeling ever. You try to cool yourself down with a drink but it’s so fucking hot that it evaporates before it even goes in your mouth. Not only that, but my skin burns like a little ginger girl. I like being pale thank you. But when the sun is really on a roll, even staying inside is a difficult task. You try to go on the computer or watch the television but you soon discover that it’s so bright that you can’t even see the screen. Uccch give me some clouds and a lush wind and that my friends is the perfect weather. Fact.
- Oh yes, the bane of my life. I hate them. And it isn’t because whenever I’m late they’re early and when I’m early they’re late. It isn’t because I had to sell my gall bladder to be able to afford the increased All Day Ticket. And it isn’t the fact that they don’t run on Sundays leaving me stranded on those days. Truth be told, it isn’t the buses that I hate. But the people who get on them. To the kids who push in front me in the queue after I have been waiting for 30 minutes, thank you. To the old people who take a year to get on the bus and then get off at the next stop, cheers. To the mothers who insist on buying the biggest fuck off pram you have ever seen in your life and insist on not putting it down so it takes up 82% of the bus, hallelujah! But to the drunk old men who smell like stale smoke and tramp who insist on talking to you and singing whatever song that they are trying their hardest to sing, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And that concludes my cheery post. Remember folks, don’t let the little things bug you and do as I do. Keep it to yourself and write about it later.
Facebook quotes inspired by my exciting friends on Facebook.
Twitter quotes inspired by the losers that came up on google.
Lyrics from the questionable mind of Juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-juh-Jessie J.
The Only Way Is Essex as seen on ITV2.
OMG your knees Moderate Doom Doom with a Smile
just exploded Doom